Go ahead, stalk me

My rifle purchase

2009-01-07T22:38:00.002-07:00

So I thought I'd stick this here. I wonder if there could be a more seamless integration between twitter, blogs, social networking and media hosting. I've just been trying to conceive of a newer inter-compatibility. Anyway: here it is.

Noone gets to the real issue on gay marriage.

2008-12-11T22:57:00.001-07:00

I never argue why I believe gay people should be in relationships or not. The problem lies in granting government the position to set baseline values for everyone (it inherently speaks for society as a whole because it is coercively established as the common institution between all citizens).
The difference between civil unions and marriage is that marriage is inherently a social acknowledgment. If government were regulating a contract between two people it would be devoid of value judgments. However, the primordial purpose of marriage was to signify a community celebration of the union.
What gay's are basically looking for with marriage is government to tack an equal consideration on their union as everyone else. They've sought this by judicial fiat often when the social acceptance doesn't actually exist.
If government is going to make value judgments as the (imposed) arbiter of society, it must invariably be directed by popular consent.
The solution is to scale back the scope of government. The standardization of civil partnerships as the common denominator for all domestic agreements would be simple. Marriage would then be termed independently or by one's religious community. Anyone can print a crocking certificate and grant to it whatever imagined weight they wish.
By this method there would be equality at the hands of government. Furthermore marriage would be arguably better sanctified because it would be free from the taint of secular government.

Hancock was right; a cautionary tale.

2008-12-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Professor Hancock was always adamant in challenging the trend of ironic portrayals of the Soviet Union. Despite my respect for his views and reasoning, style holds demands over a dapper chap such as myself. Recently I was strolling a local department store, lending moral support a friend in anxiety over Christmas shopping. I was sporting a clever shirt, a parody clone of the official student association, displaying a BYUSSR logo (a more accurate representation of the nefarious BYUSA). I was stopped by an employee who, pointing to the hammer and sickle on my back, began to explain in halting English that she recognized the infamous symbol. As if my major hadn't been enough explanation as to it's meaning she informed me that it came from the CCCP. I knew immediately that I was about to be mortified. She seemed to find this familiar symbol a link between us and she explained her experiences with it. She was originally Mongolian. She went to lengths to describe how her country wasn't a part of the Soviet bloc but that they ruled it through a proxy government. Throughout her lecture she was careful not to take an accusatory tone toward my lighthearted treatment of a serious historical matter. She continued to describe the totalitarian control and suppression that this ideology took of her country. She described the fear and misinformation that was driven into them. She told stories of the public humiliation and persecution of those with some form of learning or authority. She described how they cried when anyone they knew escaped to America because they were taught it meant certain torture and death at the hands of the Western imperialists. She explained that her institution of higher education (she learned telecommunications) had one book of English. It was handed off between students to study surreptitiously despite the dire consequences should the teachers learn of it. I felt complicit in her oppression. I think at one point she may have almost brought herself to tears, though she was surprisingly upbeat through most of the monologue. After all this she described the current leftist political movement in her homeland by those who are too young to remember. It was all I could do to politely peel myself away from her.

Am I guilty of revising history by backhandedly mocking communism's fall? Am I performing a disservice to those who are so ill informed as to revere murderers such as Che?

Only as good as my word.

2008-08-01T03:18:00.000-06:00

Through the miracle of internet technology, I'm often alerted to photographs posted by old high school chums. It's a pity that a recent set of photographs that should have inspired nostalgia only reminded me of a distasteful impression. I will expound. Long ago I was preparing for an ill fated venture into the scummy underbelly of the sales industry. I went about purchasing a cell phone with the assurance from my boss that I'd pay much less with an "in network" plan. I was actually directed to the recent spouse of a friend. I went and filled out the paperwork with the fellow. I verified that my plan included within network calls. He acknowledged it almost dismissively. Only later did I find out that I had to go back and pay extra for the feature.
I didn't actually even lose any money on the deal. I would have paid the extra money even if the fee was significantly greater. I was even willing to dismiss the situation as a misunderstanding or an oversight. After just a few weeks of exposure to the real world of commerce I realized that it was nothing short of flagrant deception. I realized that a salesperson very well knows exactly the bounds of the product they're selling and exactly how to recognize when they have said whatever necessary to make a sale. That's what happened here. Although it was a tiny deception, it's an immutable reflection of petty greed. Trustworthiness is too valuable to be prostituted. Even after working as a salesman, I'm still dumbfounded as to how someone can live day to day justifying it.
I saw his mug after all these years on the internet and had only this one interaction to judge his character burned into my mind.
I can only hope that with all my character flaws I'm not remembered as a malicious liar.

My compulsion, let me show you it.

2008-01-01T19:17:00.001-07:00

Being alone and unoccupied the last several days has cast my personal anxieties into high relief. I'm not so obtuse as to ignore the trepidation my persistence and randomness inspire. I can't say I fear opening up to people. I'm far too candid and I treat anyone who hasn't sneered at me as an intimate friend. As a result, I'd have to take off my shoes to count the people who've avoided me after I took too much confidence in their patience.

I suppose some mistake me for enamored. Intrigued is a better word. I want to know people, but more than that, I want to trust them and have their trust. Sometimes I sit in an airport or mall and wonder how it would be to know all the people. The more I tire of my own thoughts, the more persistently I reach out.

Instant communication makes it worse. Every time I see a name on a screen, I want a response from it. It's like a comforting blanket to know someone's out there and can hear me.

This compulsion, along with the fear of pushing people away winds me up into an anxious mess. It's worse when I'm all alone in Provo during the holidays. (You'll notice people who go home and realize why they moved out? I know bad things will happen if I stay long enough to remember.) So, in this fit of anxiety, I vacillate between overactive messaging tantamount to harassment and hermit-like isolation.

Craig is dead

2007-12-21T19:53:00.001-07:00

All of the sudden I'm calling him my brother, even though it hardly ever occurred to me. Prior to seeking him out he was naught more than a myth. My first memory of him was a corny silhouette portrait from the 70s. All I could tell was that he had a mullet. All I knew was a sketch of his history. I don't know how many years they had been out of contact. Once when I had been defiant she accused me of being just like him. I guess I've always had a link with him whenever I feel out of place in my home. I'm just like him when I'm stranded without a place to call home.

Craig has never been a part of my life. I never met him until I sought him out. He is part of my family history that I need to know much more than a pedigree chart. I need to see where the breakdown in my family is. My dad's history has been out of reach since he died.

Craig's death is particularly disturbing. It's making me feel mortality in a way noting else could. Craig was the most constant person I had in my life for the very reason that he was never there. His role and my understanding of him were the same my entire life. Even when I found him in Houston, he just put an updated face of an old man to replace the mullet crowned silhouette that I had known. If he can disappear from existence this way, I have pictured everyone else I know dying nondescriptly far away from me.

What's worst is that while I can actually see everyone dying, I can't picture an afterlife. I'm well aware of everything I've been taught all my life, and I have no reason to lose faith. However, I don't have any imagine the people I've lost. They're just gone.

The last acceptable bigotry in America

2007-12-08T02:36:00.001-07:00

The following are remarks that I made to a beliefnet blog and accompanying comments pertaining to Romney's speech.

I am more disturbed by this RABID bigotry than I have been for some time. I'm losing my faith in a party where 46 percent say they won't vote for someone based solely on his religion, let alone specific denomination. There is such blatant laziness among these who grasp at straws to discredit Romney on imaginary doctrines. John Smith? Someone is confusing things with Pocahontas. Planets and virgins? Talking Salamanders? This "veil of secrecy" people are experiencing is simply their own willful ignorance. (Rich, you don't know what "Jack Mormon" means, you look like a fool when you misuse vocabulary)
If you knew the attacks and persecution he's gone through for his faith you'd understand his hesitance to bring theological questions into a presidential debate. People demand to know if he is Christian; he proclaims devotion to Christ and he is called a liar for it. People ask his opinion on the Bible, he says it's the Word of God, so they ask again like he mustn't have understood the question. He hesitates because the next question will be everything from the rapture to how often he speaks in tongues.
He won't win Iowa for the simple fact that 46 percent of the likely caucus goers are BIGOTS pure and simple.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/feilerfaster/2007/12/five-questions-mitt-romney-sti.html.comments.html

Disturbing...

2007-11-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

I dreamed of a man lying on his back. I don't know why, but I had my hands around his neck, choking him. The odd thing was that he wasn't fighting me. He was just whining. He spoke softly, pleading me not to hurt him. I realized that I could let go, but as soon as the idea passed my mind, I choked him harder. I felt my thumbs pressing back the windpipe and arteries in his neck. He finally stopped moving and I knew that he was dead. Immediately I experienced a gushing wave of sorrow. My sadness was so intense that I awoke from my light slumber. I convinced myself that this fictional person had simply passed out and he was fully recoverable, but I knew deep inside that I had killed him. Odd thoughts started passing through my mind. I recalled random gnostic ideas of pre-spiritual intelligences as our precursory form as a part of the essence of God before the creation. By extension, of course, intelligences or offspring dwell within us. The potential reality of this person in my dream made my worry all the more troubling.

Dreams

2007-11-25T23:00:00.001-07:00

I walked by a long table in the outside. I saw President Bush and Laura. I watched as some person, a political handler perhaps, arranged how George was sitting and how his sleeves folded. I made some complimentary small talk with them. Laura asked why I didn't come to dinner. She gave me the address as 1532 Pennsylvania Blvd. At that moment I realized that there was a sprawling farmhouse there in the middle of a large park. I also realized that we were in downtown DC and this is where the President actually lived.

In a van I went skeet shooting with an older fellow. There may have been more people originally, but we went later to set up a single shooting post between two little flags. It was by a dirt road, at the side of a cut, stubble filled field, and the van was right behind us. I shot a few quite expertly. A troop of fools came intruding on our flagged firing position. Some fellow threw up a pigeon and I shoot after it. I hit it, or by it, just as it hit the ground. Just as i was shooting I saw that there were people right by where I was shooting. It didn't hit anyone, and they didn't notice, but it was close. My shooting companion didn't say a word. We simply loaded up the gun and the flags in the van.

homeless again

2007-11-21T17:26:00.001-07:00

So I've spent the last couple nights enjoying myself thoroughly with someone that I should have gotten to know a long time ago. Imagine all the fun I've been missing out on. Two nights ago we went and toasted marshmallows. It was delightful. I got home late and ended up locked out of my apartment. I had forgotten my key and we had only recently started locking the door. I rang the doorbell a couple times, but it was about 1:30 in the morning. I felt bad about waking my roommates. It took me quite a while to get onto the balcony, but even after scaling it I found the sliding door locked. By this time it was quite a bit later, so I settled in for several hours of uneasy sleep in the laundry room. Believe me, 4 hours is longer than it looks; especially when those 4 hours are between 2 and 6 in the morning and spent on the floor and counter of a chilly laundry room. I finally rang the doorbell at 6, when a couple of my roommates would supposedly be getting up for work. Instead, the roommate who was hoping to sleep late came to the door. I missed several classes, but they'll be manageable.

Last night I spent some more quality time. It doesn't happen often, but I'm looking forward to the evenings of the coming weeks. Today it's off home for Thanksgiving dinner. We'll see how I survive the traditional home scene.

Remedial Occupation

2007-11-16T10:33:00.001-07:00

I'm loving how all the people in "Occupation 101" keep holding up bullets saying that "this was shot at the refugee camp, or children or whatever" but they're holding up unfired shells that are just as likely to be in an al-Aqsa martyrs brigade AK-47. I would be giddy to really look at the caliber of the casing or unfired round and see if it really even fits into an IDF rifle.

Back in P-town

2007-11-14T08:32:00.001-07:00

I'm back in Provo. DC was amazing. I had lunch with the Reid staff and enjoyed seeing everyone there. The Decemberists concert was canceled. It seems that a member of the band had been sick, and hasn't yet recovered. We went to an alternate concert with a few local bands. The apes featured a singer we liked to call emo bill Cosby because he had a similar haircut and Cosbyesque sweater along with tapered pants. There's probably a better term than "emo" for his pants, but that'll do. Apparently he is a new singer, I really enjoyed his energy. The band Dust Galaxy was just plain awful. I had to put in earplugs to block the feedback and poor taste. I wrote a letter to the Decemberists, but I don't think they got it.

Last night I wandered into the 9:30 club. I had to take earplugs from my buddy to block out the tangible awful of the band playing. I could scarce hold back tears that I was not basking instead in the glory of the Decemberists. Let me give you a bit of context.
   I go to school at BYU. To save you a bit of research, BYU is in Provo, Utah. That's about 2,102 miles from here, according to the Google. I got a message through the interwebs several weeks ago from my dear friend Abby. She had been notified that my favorite band in the planet was playing in DC, where she resides. I met Abby and Marcia, two of the most delightful girls you'd ever love to meet, a year ago when I was interning here in DC. When I heard about the prolonged concert weekend I was thrown into a fit of envy that will surely inspire ballads once we are all cold in our graves. I began hatching a plan, a scheme if you will. I conferred with other friends in DC and finally found a ticket that I could afford without selling any family heirlooms. I made plans and constructed myself a 6 day weekend to the amazement of my fellow scholars. I realized after my fit of extravagance that I have a Foreign Policy paper due Monday and a Middle Eastern Political Systems midterm over the weekend. I found a way to email the paper, and convinced my professor to allow me to take the midterm late (a very unlikely concession if you know this professor. I think I left the impression that I was meeting with either someone in government or a law school. I don't think she would have easily understood the epic nature of this concert opportunity).
   I don't know if I can quite describe my feelings when the news of the cancellation was broken to me. My friend Marcia treated it with all the delicacy of a death in the family, and I went through all the stages of mourning that this would invoke. It was also something akin to losing a long held faith in a religious upbringing, if you've ever had that experience. I went quite mad. Thank heavens my roommates weren't home, because the results could have been disastrous in the fits of lunacy that passed over me. In addition, the plane tickets were non refundable. My life and my bank account seemed to be missing something essential. To make matters worse, I had been reading way too much Heidegger, so it all struck me as an existential crisis.
   I'm happy to announce that my life has mended since then. The Decemberists remain on my ipod. I toyed with the idea of renouncing the joy the music brings to my life, but it was impossible. I've loved you guys since I heard "From my own true love" and "Mariner's revenge". I left on a red-eye Wednesday at midnight. My little vacation has been nice. I was invited to a luncheon by friends on Sen. Reid's staff upon a visit to the office where I had worked. I've gotten to visit with several dear friends and release some mid semester anxiety. The trip hasn't been a total waste. I'll fly back on Tuesday a whole and healthy person, if not content. I've gotten past my own crisis enough to hope a complete recovery to health of any afflicted member of your band. Be well, and now you know how far people will go to hear you play.
metaphysically yours;
Shawn Curtis

Just Bounced

2007-11-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm officially on my way. I have daily wondered how long it would take for the world to notice I was missing if I simply got on a bus and went away. I'm on that bus now. I truly wish now that I had played out my little plan, alas I told a few what I was up to. I hope that in several days I get a call from a perrenial friend who will have only just realized that I'm gone.

Fail

2007-09-24T15:39:00.000-06:00

I feel sick to my stomach. I've never been in such a foolish position. I usually live under the comforting assumption that I have no conscience, but today I care all too potently. I hurt someone and immutably cut myself off from them. When has anyone ever waited for my call? Has my uncertainty done this, or my inconsideration? I'm always unsettled when I feel someone is upset with me. Beyond that, I feel like I've missed out on something. I feel like I've missed an opportunity. At the very least one more voice of sense and intelligence is silent to me.

BYU housing

2007-09-10T21:45:00.001-06:00

I'm often invited to leave the university when I criticize policies that I view as too controlling. I'm reminded that I signed the honor code and apparently this precludes me from an opinion of a better university environment. Recent developments, however, have vindicated me. We all know about the distance restrictions that the off-campus housing office has imposed. I've also heard reports that the university has enrolled 500 extra freshmen. With DT out of the picture, this has created severe scarcity for housing. In fact, if you had called the office this last week they would have told you there is nothing available anywhere. They've been signing waivers for anything but Parkway Crossing, with its dangerous UVSC students. Therefore their cunning plan has failed, and all the students who would want to live outside this apartheid-like perimeter are inside, and many that would want to be close to campus are banished to Orem or Springville.

Many will point their fingers at me for procrastinating my residence decisions (I was in Mexico), yet arithmetically speaking someone was destined to be left out. Additionally, I have it on good authority that the landlords acted predictably and called the OCH office to raise rental rates just as the squeeze set in. So after all the criticism that modern prophets have made against communism based on the principles of agency, the BYU administration has set up its own little planned economy. Its collapse has been detrimental to everyone. It has damaged confidence in university leadership, it has cost students, and robbed landlords (temporarily it turns out) of their arbitrary BYU approval.

I say these things because the university has room to improve. Please make BYU approval optional permanently.

sphere

2007-06-06T00:18:00.000-06:00

The great crust of my psyche that I rest my soul upon settled violently. Colossal segments of what I hope and know jerked and crumbled. This great heat and pressure threatened to displace the ecosystem of my mind. I could feel it as a tremor that shakes the ground. I shook where I stood as if a cruel god rattled the cage that holds me. It started as a shiver, but I soon couldn't control my arms or my torso as they convulsed. I became a rag doll falling through the sky.

My legs were useless as I fell into a mound of the finest sand. My muscles quivered once more, flopping my extremities deep into the waves of this golden sea. Then there was stillness. My lungs refused to draw a gasp and my head lay cocked where the side of it had fallen against the ground. Suddenly I was aware.

As the sand flowed over me, its weight pushed the breath from my body. The finest dust billowed in little clouds, as if freed from my cold lungs. My eyes caught them in a glimpse as they swirled, aspiring to the wispy clouds of the sky. As the air left my lungs the world was transformed as if in a wide angle lens. The land, seas, trees and every person bent and folded together in upon itself until it was a four meter sphere of sand. As i beheld that last vision of the cloud-inspired dust, the sand flowed over my staring eyes and coated them with a replica of my face. As each grain of sand rolled over my open eyes the light was obscured from view. Stillness. The cool darkness wrapped my consciousness around me like a blanket of air. Now that there was stillness I could hear the sand as well as feel it. I could hear each grain as it fell with a plink over another grain. They were little shards of glass and rang out as they toppled over one another. The blowing dunes were a tinkering tumult, and yet I could hear each particle. I could feel each trajectory in the stillness of my burial.

Now that the wind has stopped, all is silence. I drift into the heart of my earth, four meters in diameter. An insect that stood still after the wind has grown daring. From my tomb I can hear him twitch antennae against the sand and brush a few grains this way and that. He is the only inhabitant of this private sphere, and he somehow knows I lay here with him. It's curious that this eternal insect would know me so personally. The shell of my face remained for centuries there in the sand. The statue of my shock was preserved as my memorial statue. This lone insect dwelt there, cleaning the dew from the grains of sand. Mosses covered the surface of my memorial and extended over the planet. Even when fine grasses cropped up in patches, this hard shelled bug roamed the entire surface as it periodically phased between light and dark.

mirage

2007-03-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

I see people I know. sometimes people I just haven't seen for a little while, sometimes prople I've been thinking about. On the rare occasion, the person crosses the territory from real life, to my dreams, and back to the face I see in the crowd. Often, the back of their head is unmistakable, other times I look them directly in the eyes and smile because I've missed them. I always stumble, regardless of how often the mirage appears.
I was taught to seek out those people who come to you in mirage, but I've been cowardly.

Here, let me ruin this for myself.

2007-02-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

I take comfort in the fact that nobody knows what I'm talking about. Even if they do, they never take me seriously. It's sometimes depressing, but I can usually get away with saying whatever I please.

I wish I was at the point where I could be with someone this perfect for me. Of course it sounds odd, but I've felt that even my favorite relationships have been lacking. Although someone means the world to me, I dream about talking to someone with matching passions. As narcissistic as it may sound, sometimes I fantasize about being with someone with the same kind of interests and knowledge as myself. Not that I'm all kinds of knowledgeable, but mine is a highly specific and useless knowledge.

I can't make it work, though. The very fact that something is good seems to drive me to destroy it. Either I let stupid exterior conditions make it impossible in my brain, or I squander my opportunity. I astound myself that I turn the exact opinionatedness that I crave into a wedge. Making wedges is all that I can seem to do with my life. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the damage is done. All that's left for me is to sleep in the bed I've made.

I'm not making any kind of declaration about my real life. Theres no reason to think I'm even referring to a real person. Nobody reads this anyway. Even if you think I mean you, you're wrong. You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you.

Political philosophy writeup jan 31

2007-02-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Political science, it would seem, continues to engage in an identity crisis. This includes friction between political philosophy and political science as an empirical “hard science”. Irrational

Exuberance cuts to the very idea of Rawl's isomorphism with methodological naturalism. Although his personal career may not coincide with the rise and decline of Riker and rational choice, one might say he withdraws from this need to justify his theory with scientific technique into this reflective equilibrium. He allows intuition about the nature of human thought to influence the assertions about the rational thought that he applies to the original state. Berkowitz characterizes his theory as assuming an undue risk minimization on humanity in general. One might say this is a matter of pure opinion or personal preferrence. He also says that although “A Theory of Justice” purports a minimal scope to a framework for contract theory, a technical approach if you will, Berkowitz says that it implicitly extends to a wide welfare state view. It also corresponds with a wide human rights conception in global politics.

One could call his approach a type of deliberative democracy. Rawls, in conceptualizing mankind as stripped of characteristics, reduces them to purely rational beings. He takes on rational choice without the mathematics. Accordingly, if mankind is rational, they'll correspond to this state that they would accept if stripped of biases. It seems that his assumptions are intuitive, indeed self evident, just as the Hamiltonian reasonability. Stripped of biases, he creates the two assumptions from his idea of human nature. Reasonable beings would institute equal rights and responsibilities. They would also find it fair to allow inequalities only if there is some advantage redistributed to the least fortunate in the society. He seems to put utilitarianism on it's ear, rejecting the communitarianism and arithmetic wellbeing of the society in favor of individual rationality and self interested responsibility. However, in his conception of the neutral original state, he asserts that the reasonable would agree to a welfare state in defense of their own individual interests. Possibly their general human knowledge would allow this without the knowledge of each other's ambition or motivation? Or their own responsibility? Apparently the idea of a lottery of situation is apparent to those in the original state, and according to Berkowitz, they don't have a stomach for gambling.

polphil summary

2007-01-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

The author delineates two basic assumptions of human nature. The most obvious proponents are Locke and Rousseau. Whether or not they're the best representations of the paradigms, they're certainly the most relevant. Locke espouses a simplistic view of human nature and idealistic hopes about human cooperation. He is comfortable in laying out dream scenarios because there is an assumption of self-evidence. There is an objective clarity to his philosophy that can't help but be understood. On the other hand, Rousseau dwells on the in consequentiality of mankind's attempt at communication. People are rouge actors without the benefit of clear understanding. According to the author, the incongruity behind the democratization of the “rationalist” and “fallibilist” epistemologies has gone unnoticed. He also suggests that democracy is in for a a heartbreak as these truths rebel against their status as poster children for faith in democracy.

It would be far too easy to expose these epistemologies in their unadulterated nature. Instead the author shows how each side permeates our homegrown democracy and comes to the same conclusion in the creation of the constitution. He proposes that the Federalist papers argued opposing concepts and yet settled on the same Constitution.

Hamilton's assumptions of man's capacity to reason doesn't follow the model that modern democracy has thrust upon it. Whereas his concept of deliberation was confident in the judiciary, populist forces expanded it to include an ever larger cohort of reasonable actors. Many point (perhaps mistakenly) to Locke for the democratization of reason. The author demonstrates explicitly religious overtones for the reasoning.

Madison conceived a kind of anarchy of thought and a balance through open competition. One would think it is betrayed later by allying himself with Jefferson and confidence in the Bill of Rights to instill a civil morality. The strong democracy is also transformative through personal empowerment and agonism.

Democratic faith is not to be relied on because both of these frameworks deny too many flaws. The modernization of the deliberative democracy ignores the idea that the masses are still irrational. Supposedly modern leisure is to have corrected it and transformation would be almost complete. Agonistic views deny the risk of arbitrary majoritarianism or unitary fraternity. The author finds ample reason to distrust this faith in the very underlying theories. This faith is an essential element in the transformation for deliberative, but according to Locke, it can be easily unraveled by atheists, ie. any participants that lack the commitment supposedly given by God.

“Revivalist”, “restorationist” and “radical” schools have apparently taken the emphasis of political science everywhere but BYU. However, empiricism seems to preserve a foothold here. It seems unfair to categorize Easton's empiricism as removed from humanity. Although he spurned value theory, he also dismissed hyper-empiricism. Strauss, Arendt and others saw a loss in positivism and responded with advocacy of a return to the history of political philosophy. Strauss saw a self reflection of the culture in the studies people carried out. Possibly his approach to the philosophy was to create more possibilities than this. Arendt found the spirit of Greek politics needed to be brought back to some degree.

Rawls, with his restorationist thinking, came up with alternatives to the quantifications that the positivists thought was possible. It would seem that he brought an isomorphism from physically observable science to moral norms, not just observable behavior. He thus attempts to reveal their principles.

Postmodernist theory just goes every which way. I'm sorry to sound ignorant, but some of it seems to have the tendency toward self affirmation which has potential to obscure the simple pursuit of truth. This is a very narrow interpretation, however.

Someone asked...

2007-01-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth, if I could go back in time I would tell Bush not to bother. However, I don't shed any tears for the invasion of Iraq. There is plenty to justify an action without a stockpile of WMDs. If you kept up on the ongoing trial of Saddam's co-defendants you would see that newly released recordings of Saddam Hussein show him authorizing sarin gas attacks on villages he said were destroyed by Iran. He orders murder after murder of innocents, not collateral casualties. In the recordings he takes full responsibility. The audio plainly shows that he actively sought to replenish his chemical weapon supplies. Those are WMDs fyi. He was a murderer who died by the law of the nation and people of Iraq. Granted, it was undignified, however so is everything else in Iraq.

Everyone is calling for intervention in Darfur, but the crimes and deaths under Saddam's hand were the same. Boarders or no boarders, independent state or not, they're just lines in the sand. Theoretically it's the same in Darfur, territory of Sudan. Hussein had to be dealt with, and at the time nobody denied he was a direct threat to regional security.

That being said, we got in and dealt with those problems. We've done a lot for the Iraqi people, even though people want to blame the violence of the Sunni insurgency or the Shiite counter-surgency on the US. We've given them their election, it's time for Iraq to grow up and fight it's interior battles by itself. The international community will be there to help avoid a collapse, but they have to learn to appreciate the liberty gained by their own valor. Our troops already earned their ticket home.

The Departed

2006-11-16T22:55:00.001-07:00

I've never done a movie review. Lets keep it that way. Although a head shot is braggable in a game of Halo, it is entirely impractical in a live situation. Just for the record, three shots in a tight formation to the heart/lung region is much more efficient. However, if Martin Scorsese doesn't care, neither do I. Now, back to “The Departed”, Scorsese uses head shots like a splash of ice water to the face... or a splash of lead.

Who would have thought Marky Mark had it in him? The silent determined justice overpowered me with awe. In fact, the cinematography brings all the characters alive. The camera lends vitality to dialog that... TAK. You thought I was done talking about the head shots? Just like there, they would come out of nowhere and perfectly punctuate the storyline. The camera angles bring the barrel of the pistol out of the screen and against your own head. You spend the whole movie hoping that you personally don't get a bullet to the face.

Dramatically speaking, a bullet to the head doesn't kill the way three taps to the chest kills. When you're shot in any other way it cuts your breath short, your heart stops, and you expire. A cap to the brain obliterates everything that you are and turns your delicate machine into pudding. It literally liquefies your entire existence along with your once solid gray matter. From a standing position there is a much more immediate slumping fall. There's no struggle or stagger because there's nothing left of you. There isn't quite any way so final to end a character.

As I mentioned, the head shots punctuate the story. The movie is cleanly divided. If only all periods were accompanied by a loud crack and a spray of red, I would read more books.

stoned

2006-11-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

This stone is cold and unforgiving. The rafter sees a stone is unforgiving because it doesn't ease a collision. There is also no forgiveness for the sculptor who cuts a stone mistakenly.

Hands once warmed this stone as they leaned and kept steady. Will they now cut against the grain? Cut away, but don't bury it.

the real me

2006-11-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

She stopped completely unexpectedly and told me everything that was going wrong in my life. It never ceases to amaze me how blind I am as these moments approach. I was told I wasn't welcome. She described what made my personality disturbing and offensive. No one had ever unmasked me so clearly before. In that moment of shame I looked into a mirror with the fog wiped away. I saw my interaction with every other person laid bare.

I had confused honesty with irresponsible frankness. I failed to guard myself. I didn't cover what I thought or felt. Unfortunately, this is what I do when I actually esteem someone. Otherwise, I stay distant from everyone for fear that they'll see me. I've been more and more fearful with the growing number of people that I've repulsed.

I was overbearing and selfish. Usually I put out an air of deference and consideration. Once in an unfortunate while I consider myself safe and I say whatever enters my mind. I stop worrying about how I look and assume that people will take me for a buffoon. As long as I'm the buffoon no one will take my comments to injury.

When she told me that I wasn't welcome I saw myself. I had always worried about coming off as creepy or selfish with other people. Apparently I had actually been all that and more. Several times recently I've let my guard down. It isn't a guard for myself from the cruelties of the world. I guard the world from the foolishness of my words. When I think I'm just being open, people see the ugliness that's really inside. I went so far as to scare someone to whom I wanted to appeal.

Dude

2006-11-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

We let people off the hook too easily. A simple qualifier is all it takes to say anything. Jon Stewart observed that Fox news gets away with any apparent statement as long as they end it with a question mark. Apparently it's all about their new "fair and balanced" and "you decide" image initiative.
I just noticed that anyone can give you any kind of unwelcome personal advice just by saying "dude" at the beginning. Dude, caffeine is against the commandments. Dude, you should start taking school seriously. Dude, why aren't you married yet? It's like prefacing everything by "don't take this personally."
Take responsibility for what you say. If anything defines your legacy on this earth, it's the words you choose. If someone is going to get all in your business, the least they can do is be a man about it. Rhetorically speaking, "dude" has to be the weakest way to sound casual I've ever heard of.

Election

2006-11-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

So Virginia and Montana were the crucial races in contest this morning. If you had told me two months ago that this is how the election would hang, I would have laughed in your face. Now that Montana is decided and Virginia is almost certainly in Webb’s hands it looks like we have a brand new Congress. To top off this new bizarre country of ours, Bush fired Rumsfeld unexpectedly the day after the election. I could have imagined him changing the Pentagon on his own terms, but never in a way resembling capitulation. It seems that the pod people have replaced our dear Cowboy in Chief. Perhaps this is a sign of pragmatism. He’s swallowing his pride and signifying that he’s willing to work with the new Congress. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for him to concede in this way.

As for my own pride, I’m feeling conflicted. I have certain revulsion of Nancy Pelosi as Speaker. I don’t agree with much of their economic theory and governmental philosophy. Many of their social issues are morally reprehensible. I can work with my boss just because he is uncommon in certain policies. However, I don’t feel that the Republican Party reflected their philosophy anymore. In fact, the party in Congress didn’t stand for anything other than what Bush wanted. They needed to be more independent. I’m actually excited at the change. This must be what Benedict Arnold felt when he saw the British gain a triumph with his help.

I'm leaving

2006-11-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

I can't stand another full day at the Barlow Center. Living here has become my worst nightmare of an adult life. I go to work alone, dwindle away the hours, return to find lonliness, and at best sit in the background as others venture off without me. This is what I've feared from a steady career and boring decline. This is as close to death as I've ever been. I have to get out.
I'm leaving town alone on friday and if i don't come back it'll be tuesday before anyone notices. I don't fear someone stabbing me with a knife in the abdomen for my wallet. Even the coldest steel will feel tepid against the lonliness thats piercing my gut now.

Make up to 80,000 dollars this summer and lose your soul!!

2006-09-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

If you attend BYU, UVSC or USU you should be well acquainted with a certain phenomenon. Every year thousands of students are recruited into the ranks of direct marketing. It is obvious that the industry has largely come to roost in Utah Valley. It’s also obvious why they’ve locked onto the LDS community. I should know, I’ve worked in two separate companies over three of their so called “seasons.”

First, and least apparent of all, is the get rich quick mantra. As we can see with the offshore pyramid (or Ponzi) schemes that have gripped many in the Marriott School; there is a gullibility that lurks under the cheap suits. Working in the inside parts of one such company I heard a desperate salesman pleading for leniency on company policy. Even those who can’t afford the risk often try to work for straight commission. I’m not saying that lots of employees don’t make money. Even a mediocre salesman can make a modest amount. Indeed, a few make obscene amounts of money. You just don’t realize how obscene it is until you’ve been in the industry. A friend of mine was quite successful. He was in the top 20 salespeople of a pest control company. When asked why he didn’t continue he responded that the job didn’t feel honest.

One can easily respond that honesty lies in each individual salesperson. It is true that there are many honest employees of these businesses and some of the companies try to implement safeguards. However, dishonesty and craftiness are usually a natural byproduct of the job and, in my experience, result in promotion. I found that some of the most dishonest were among the managers or trainers. The corporate machine, apart from the rare ethically-minded upper manager, is amoral; it pursues profit without concern for right or wrong. The desperation that follows a dependence on commission creates dishonest salespeople out of honest students. There are far too few checks on this disintegration.

The biggest selling point that these companies use is the supposed experience one already has through missionary service. In fact, marketing companies have taken to advertising through DearElder.com, tagging them as “perfect work for returned missionaries.” To work in the most unfulfilling part of missionary work should be absurdly undesirable, especially when it isn’t even knocking doors to impart soul-saving doctrine. The very thought that missionary work will be somehow similar to door to door sales disgusts me. The cheapness that it casts upon revered missionary work should deter anyone who took their testimony and preaching seriously for the two years they labored.

I feel shame when I realize that the slick fellows I witness lying day after day each summer are returned missionaries. They probably originally compared this job to their consecrated service. Doubting that they view this vocation as holy, I am only left to believe they view missionary work as just another sales job.

Allahu Akbar min kulli shay!!

2006-08-23T13:55:00.000-06:00

I would like to announce the creation of a new genre. It is inspired by the accused terrorists in Britain who apparently planned on bombing flights while over the Atlantic. One of the key evidences against the alleged evil-doers is the “martyr videos” they had made in preparation for their nefarious act of villainy.

I considered how it must feel for them to have their debut appearances on video arrive prematurely. Then I had the urgent desire to see these films. This was their moment of complete confidence before MI-6 foiled their plans. Although the general public won’t admit it, these are the videos that the general populous most anticipates. When these videos hit the internet, they’ll be at the top of everyone’s “must see” list. I bet these guys even get action figures.

Although I’m a certified “Evil Genius” (accredited by the international association of evil geniuses and mad scientists or IAEGMS), this type of plot really isn’t my bag. I don’t want anyone confusing me for a terrorist, but I really have the urge to make a “martyr video”. We’ll just have to see how the general theme of the jihad factors into things, especially because I am an adamant supporter of Eretz Yisrael and the Zionist movement. In the mean time, I encourage comments with links to everyone’s own homegrown martyr videos on youtube.

Awaken, startled vagrant!!

2006-08-23T00:38:00.000-06:00

Emotional pain doesn’t come from existing conditions or the facts that we live with constantly. I’ve realized that this is how people cope with ugliness, stupidity, fatness, poverty, and pervasive social ineptitude. It’s like natural death; we all know life is a terminal illness so it’s no tragedy that we’ll all die one day. What really hurts are the moments of clarity. Once in a while the hard truth catches up with you. In those moments you can almost feel each individual finger as it leaves a stinging mark across your face.

Thank God for moments of clarity. For all the disorienting pain, you know the truth. Almost as bad as the pain from the facts, the delusion is shaming. Tonight jolted me into reality. Rejection has always been a familiar friend. Ironically this week, as I live as a complete vagrant without a home or a bed to call my own, I’ve felt the most welcome. Albeit awkward, my friends have shown their true support.

I suppose it wasn’t an attempt to harm me, but I’m familiar enough with rejection to recognize it in a heart that was close to my own. To realize that I can count with one less person is difficult as my entire world seems to be washing away from me.

Elizabeth Smart

2006-05-05T01:56:00.000-06:00

I was watching Larry King live waay too late. Elizabeth Smart was on. What a bother it must be to be her. She looked positively petrified and uncomfortable to be talking on TV. I couldn't blame her. Know what though? She's gorgeous. I wonder what she's like. I often wonder what people are really like, and it saddens me that I can't get to know everyone. She goes to BYU. It's sad that if I ever saw her, I would never talk to her, from the sheer fear of being creepy or putting her more uncomfortably in the public eye.
I did poorly in school this semester. I have to be better if i want to end up where I want.

caffeine

2006-04-26T03:41:00.000-06:00

I'm totally going to finish this intense paper on early Palestinian Nationalism. Finally Ill be done with this late paper. While im taking a break, though, I thought i should tell you all how much i love CaffeinE! I dont know why i had forgotten its majical powers to get me to get work done. from now on redbull is my productivity enhancing substance.
Also, i need to tell you all that Al Pacino rocks. I have been watching all the Godfathers again and again as they come on TV these last couple weeks. I also loved Scarface. Al is the cats pajamas. thats all there is to it.

Reason, Rationality, Revelation

2006-04-14T14:06:00.000-06:00

Stemming back to the earliest philosophy was the discovery that there is an entirety beyond our sight. One of the early cognitive developments to occur in a child is to realize that there is existence independent of one’s own senses. Thus, it is completely fitting that the invention of the cosmos as an idea and a word (many will contend that these are synonymous) is the fist cognitive step to an understanding of the world as we know it. Conveniently, it developed in the several civilizations right about the time that people could sit down and think without worrying much about survival. The questions it raises go far beyond the cliché “who am I” or “where did all this come from”. One’s stance amidst the backdrop of the cosmos digs fundamentally into the purpose of mankind, and has pivotal influence on the fate of entire civilizations.

The consideration of everything is, admittedly, a broad topic. More specifically pertinent is the relation that mankind has to the various other elements of the cosmos. For example, a common point of conjecture is the stars. Ever since man took the time to study their movements they’ve guided themselves by their constancy. One reason for their importance in human thought is their unattainable distance. The sense of closeness, however, which a writer associates with the stars, may say volumes about their concepts of order and the unity of creation. Naturally the question of a creation event and executor will receive consideration, but not until later will the question assume a familiar form.

The questions of observed phenomena will include man’s responsibility to other human beings. First of all, there are inherent instinctual imperatives that we associate with fellow humans in family, tribe and “other” categories. This provokes questions of natural instincts and their role in a single system of truth. Are biological imperatives part of what we are, or are they a natural condition to be considered part of the creation and subject to the same analysis and reason as the cosmos? In any case, the approach we have on our surroundings defines how we construct ideologies.

The stars hold a primordial position, often representing the overlaying order of the cosmos. The stars would be the first thing one would consider to be the “ornament” that the concept of cosmos is derived from (Brague, 2003). Indeed, vast outer space is the strongest connotation of the anglicized Greek word. The universe that the Greeks were concerned with was a little closer to home. As Brague highlights, Aristophanes reveals that Socrates was at one time involved in the study of physics. Apparently, though, he denied at one point its relation to the good or evil in the human context. In fact, in the Apology, he denies having taught physics as well as other forms of blasphemy. This indicates that a major indictment against him was an attempt to explain phenomena with naturalism instead of the themes of morality that were supposed to hold the cosmos in order. Therefore, we can suppose that it had been an interest of his, but later abandoned it by separating the natural world from the moral.

Physics was, therefore, exempted from the idea of justice. We can see a modern parallel in the way progress has been stripped of moral responsibilities. Instead of concentrating study on knowledge of morally neutral science, Socrates tackled questions of human values as good or evil. Just as in that era, naturalism has led the way in a cancellation of moral weight in many aspects of life. We, instead of separating the two in order to concentrate on the human element, have forsaken humanity to pursue scientific marvels. Under this system all approaches are “equal by default” as Beneton (2004) puts it, free from moral consequence, and simply a question of theory. This casual approach, it can be argued, has allowed the past century to tolerate experiments on society and humanity by glazing over it the name of science and progress. Political extremes such as communism and anarchy are perhaps the mildest of the results. A similar basis of progress without consideration of the good or evil has perhaps justified the minds that have brought us the horrors of eugenics and ethnic cleansing.

Socrates flew in the face of the conventional notion of the cosmos being held together by moral forces that are also elements of human interaction, such as communion, friendship, orderliness, and justice, as Brague (2003) cites ancient sources of “Pl, gorg”. Thus the cosmos and humanity were on the same page, ruled by the same forces. Socrates, by separating the physical universe from his study of justice, did the inverse also. He separated justice from the concepts of physical explanation. This opened the way for Plato to later reapply the concepts to one another backward. In Timaeus, Plato reasserts the bond between humanity and the cosmos with the concept that the forces of the cosmos align our internal functions and intellectual order. Full of active imagery, the rotation of the heavens and the regularity of the seasons can be seen as a twirling top that sets all within its sphere into a congruous and aligned motion. The study of physics is applied therefore to the actions of human beings.

In the “simile of the cave” in the Republic, complete philosophical understanding is represented by the ability to see the sun and open sky. The enlightenment, where light was a motif of knowledge, was several centuries off, yet the sight of sky was the revelation to the fundamental order of existence. This is possibly used as a symbol because the sun, as part of the heavens with an ordered rotation, would influence the order of humanity through a physical order. This physical order was researched as the core of human order.

Aristotle differed in that he thought things were a little more accessible than they were made out to be. A possible reason for his straightforward plunge into practical ethics and forms of government is the idea that these are a natural part of the cosmos. As a general pattern, things are reduced down to the human soul from the observed historical actions of entire societies.

Following a similar pattern, Plotinus categorized the soul as the unified force behind the order of the cosmos. In Ennead V, the first Trictate, he says that the greatest oneness is to be found in the same self that wonders. The soul is what “breathed the life” into the stars, sun, heavens in “rhythmic motion.” Again we return to the cosmos as defined in terms of order and motion of the stars and heavenly bodies. His classification of the soul differentiates it fundamentally from being put in alignment like a gyroscope as the Timeaus would have it. This is one of the most familiar early appearances of a philosophy that is based around the motivation of God instead of a generic spirituality. The soul is then said to be an outpouring in motion from the constant natured source, but both are everywhere and nowhere. The soul has a different consistence than the body. The physical nature of things is conflicted and independent, but there is unity in the soul. This has important future implications for the ideas of a separation between morality and the world.

Similarly, Lucretius differentiates the soul and the body although they may feel harmony. The soul and the mind, or the ability to reason and be conscious, are one together. Lucretius illustrates the freedom of the mind and soul from the “marriage” to the physical body and in extension, world or cosmos. These are both laying the foundation to further separate the human being from what is created as an object.

Augustine goes further by declaring that there are two cities. The city of God has a distinct character wherein it responds to impulses of the soul, motivated by God. The contrasting Earthly city, in which the city of God is intermixed, is ruled, it seems, by the impulses of nature. Lucretius had already discussed some fairly risqué aspects of the nature of passion and love. The city of the world then is ruled by these forces, while the city of God is ruled by the only truly reasonable forces, those inspired by God. This concept doesn’t relate well unless we abandon the idea of the city of God and the Earthly city as a group of specific people. Augustine tells us that the separation between the reprobate and the just isn’t even clear within the church. If we consider them spheres of influence then we can see how he is continuing a separation between the lust of the spirit and the lust of the flesh. It is no surprise that Augustine was so sympathetic to the Platonists in all their reasoning except their failure to accept Christ. They use the idea of Gods influence into the soul in a similar manner. This use of his writings lends itself to the idea of a division of the self. It implies that there is a part of the self that is a part of the natural creation, the cosmos, and there is another part that is divine, or the person itself.

The cosmos seems to have much of the mystery and wonder sapped from it in our day. Things are, for the most part explainable, and most western thought refuses to look to the stars for meaning anymore. Religion holds important vestiges, however, of the development of thought. Augustine and Aquinas especially tilted the Plato and Aristotle into Christian understanding. The position of man relative to the unfolding cosmos became instead mans relationship to God and His creation.

Christianity holds a wild card difference among the major monotheistic beliefs. In Judaism the great theme of divine manifestation is the delivery of the word. The great theme in Islam is the manifestation of all of creation, including all people as part of creation, as an evidence of Allah. In Christianity, however, the manifestation that links God to creation is the direct appearance of God as a Man. This gives Christianity, especially through Aquinas who renews this emphasis (Chesterton, 1956), a reassurance of being separate from creation. The physical body, and mankind with it, is holy to a degree because God Himself assumed that form.

The Koran, as Brague (2003) mentions, includes mankind himself as an evidence of Allah. To include mankind in a subjective role is interesting, in that it lumps humankind with all other naturally occurring phenomena. Reminiscent of Plato’s Timeaus, we are modeled after the order of the rest of the world.

Latter-Day Saint doctrine espouses many of the same philosophical roots as general Christianity. Mormon understanding has, however, restored and amplified an ancient concept of man’s place in the cosmos. “For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.” (Ps. 8:5) This highlights the status of mankind throughout the entire Judeo-Christian tradition. Man’s position was already known to be higher than the ordinary elements of creation. Once might say that it is rare to stress the doctrine that mankind’s full potential is that of God’s. The LDS concept of an empowered divine potential tends to dismiss any desire to model life patterns after the exterior cosmos. For better or worse, the rest of creation is often viewed as little more than a tool for the progression of man. We often forget that, similar to Plotinus’ description, LDS doctrine also shows each creation in possession of a soul. This may

The reasoning nature that we can see in this outline of great thinkers is what sets us apart from the supposedly accidental order around us. The stars, even if they possess a soul, do not wonder about their purpose or development. Mankind, on the other hand, has scarce ceased to ponder these questions. Many cite this as a reason to dominate our surroundings; others find a need to harmonize with an exterior order. Monotheistic belief has focused understanding on revealed truths that are considered absolute. Harmony is most often sought in coming to accord with God as the creator of the cosmos. LDS teachings would lead us to take our place as potential creators.

WORKS CITED

Beneton, Philippe. Equality by Default: an Essay on Modernity as Confinement. Translated by Ralph C. Hancock. Wilmington: ISI Books, 2004.

Brague, Remi. The Wisdom of the World: The Human Experience of the Universe in Western Thought. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press, 2003.

Chesteron, G.K. St. Thomas Aquinas: “The Dumb Ox”. New York: Doubleday, 1956.

robot name

2006-04-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

I've decided that my robot name is Seductotron 5000. what do you think?

engaged... no, not me

2006-04-10T13:27:00.000-06:00

Someone cheer me up. I know I’m supposed to be over this, and I am, but it’s still depressing. I found out today that my ex is engaged. She’s been with the guy for five or six weeks. I didn’t show it, but I was pretty shocked. I should have known. She’s been looking for it for a while now, especially since the last guy dumped her and told her she’d never be married. It’s not like I was hoping to get her back, but it’s sad to know that now she really won’t talk to me again.
The real issue is that she's so content now, and I'm alone. To make matters worse, i may be on the verge of having my heart broken brutally.

Comment please. Tell me I’m not crazy or over dramatic.

approved housing

2006-03-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

The only people that are shocked by facial hair are those at BYU. If we were acclimated, it wouldn’t be seen as a sin. If they want us to look like missionaries they should require parted hair, white shirts, ties, and dresses; oh wait, they did before, but realized it was silly. Just like my friend Kaulana, every time I suggest the honor code be re-written, I am “invited” to leave the University. This is the greatest testament to their ignorance and the weakness of their argument. They’d be the ones telling jezebels who wanted to wear pants to get out. I know the Church subsidizes my education. The government does too, but they don’t require me to wear a flag cape.

The provision that most needs to be changed is the obligation to live in approved housing. Supposedly the concern is to provide quality housing, but they approve places like Campus Plaza that don’t live up to the handbook’s stipulations. The real goal is to separate from UVSC students or control them (especially the new distance requirement). If they really want to save us from evil influences, why don’t we wear tracking collars that keep us out of Salt Lake?

I’m an adult. For 2 years I found my own apartments in Mexico. I can handle housing with my own agency. Econ 110: Regulations drive up prices. Housing approval should be suggestion only, like it once was. I hope I don’t get fired for writing this.

i wish i stood corrected

2006-03-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

I have this terrible habit of pretending like I know what I’m talking about. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable, so usually it’s not a problem. Once in a while, though, something sounds right and I just go with it. Sometimes I sound smart, sometimes I sound like an idiot.

I used to have this friend that could tell. This best friend would call me on it every time. Sometimes I denied it, sometimes I was hurt or embarrassed, and sometimes I argued. I imagine that I seemed very foolish to my friend.

My friend doesn’t talk to me anymore. I guess that means they don’t want to be my friend. I’m realizing now how terrible I feel without them there to keep me in check. I find myself saying ridiculous things. What’s worse is that nobody corrects me. I’m left alone with my stupidity. If you read this, friend, I need you.

Bad impression

2006-02-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

I just had a bit of a crisis. I began to think that people get the idea that I’m self centered and don’t listen when we’re conversing. Maybe it’s true. Sometimes, when I’m really nervous I talk and talk like and idiot. Sadly, I think I unconsciously try to impress people. I feel stupid that maybe I’m thinking too much about what I should say next than about what they’re telling me. It’s sadly ironic that I get that way around people I want to hear from and learn about the most. I’m afraid that I make a very poor impression. I often wish I could fix it immediately after the damage is done.

I wanna be a Wahhabi

2006-02-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

The Austrians have totally fumbled any claim that the “West” has of a philosophical higher ground on speech and tolerance. They jailed a man for making speeches about the holocaust. They’ve completely politicized their limits on freedom of speech. I vote that they are no longer a part of the “Western” civilization or culture.

In other news, Bill O’Riley was ranting the other day that Iran was ordering Al-Zarqawi to bomb the Shi’a holy site a few days ago. Oliver North had to try to discreetly correct him. The fact is that Iran would never have any part in bombing that holy site because they’re controlled by Shi’a elements. The Wahhabis actually consider the Shi’a to be a terrible heresy, and the Al-Qaeda organization has the extermination of Sunni belief as secondary to their eradication of Western influence in the Umma Muhammadiyah. Pretty much what I’m trying to say is that although I appreciate Bill’s zeal, he’s a big fat idiot.

I’m reading on Arab cultural habits. This writer is talking about the propensity of emotion to play a more important role than reason to Arabs in discourse and action. I’m about ready for a change of opinion on the whole getting the Mission Accomplished. I think if the Iraqis prove themselves unable to live in a plural society with different ideas, religions and parties coexisting in the democratic process, then we should ditch them. I’m seriously tired of them. If they want to figure it out for themselves, screw them and their stability. We should tap ANWR and just figure out how to make bio diesel and ethanol functional in the next couple years. Let them all starve to death sitting on their worthless desert and oil.

Cartoon Debate

2006-02-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

This is my latest letter to the editor:

At the risk of disregarding the destruction and loss of life, I would say that the rioting is an irrelevant element of the cartoon debate. The truly important development is the deeper culture war that the reaction to these drawings has revealed. Demographically wider than the actual protests, large elements of the population have called for apology from the Danish Government and demanded prosecution and even execution for blasphemy of those responsible for the cartoons. Apparently these people don’t realize that there aren’t laws against blasphemy in Denmark. Meanwhile, if we look beyond the burning embassies, we see protesters carrying signs denouncing “freedom”. We forget that liberty, equality, and the secular sphere are a product of western thought. The contrast with the east stems from the 18^th century disregard the Ottomans and Persians held for burgeoning western thought. Even as the west surpassed them militarily and economically, they looked to the west as heathens instead of learning from them.

The debate has become whether we should limit free speech when it offends people. I believe that everything is fair game. I defend the rights of those that protest my religion. Self censorship is an absurd solution, and government regulation of blasphemy is repugnant.

A blurred confusion

2006-02-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

The other night I was married. Marriage feels different from anything else I've experienced. We were in Mexico, seemingly honeymooning. Have you ever awoken believing your dream? I even wake up from a subsequent dream and consciously reassure myself that the previous dream is still real, before realizing it isn’t. I don’t think falling asleep on my couch helped matters. I haven’t slept in my own bed in two nights. Last night was a bit of a nap on an office floor. I also forgot to move my car out of a Y lot in that period of time. I have plenty of pressing business behind me now, though.

Howl's Castle

2006-02-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to the International Cinema alone. I saw Howl's Castle. It was just as stunning as i had hoped. The only really sad thing was seeing it alone. There wasn't anyone to gasp or laugh with. There wasn't anyone to wake me up when I dozed off. I'm constantly dozing off in life, and I don't have anyone to nudge me. I'm just catching moments of life as I nod in and out of sleep. I don't have anyone keeping me alive and awake. I don't have anyone reminding me how beautiful and magical life is.

the lowest priority

2006-01-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

Am I that low? Am I the priority below the fellow that calls her a whore? What did I do, or not do, for this spot. How have I descended to less than neutral? It's as if she planned to punish me by giving me her word and taking it away. It's worse; she flaunts the person I've been reassuring her is lying about how awful she is. Is this some great revenge?
Maybe I imagine too much. Perhaps it was forgetfullness. I suppose she was so overjoyed that he was willing to take back "the whore" (as he called her), that she forgot about me completely. She probably never really put much thought into seeing me anyway. Who can think of such things while looking into that sneering face of his.

Intelligent Design

2006-01-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

I want to voice my satisfaction regarding the recent ruling of Kitzmiller et al. v. Dover Area School District, decided by Judge Jones of the Federal District Court of Pennsylvania. Judge Jones rightly found that the teaching of “Intelligent Design” violated the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. I read the decision during the break, wherein Judge Jones went on for 139 pages justifying his decision. He used the “Endorsement” and “Lemon” tests to determine that the policy of the School Board violated the Constitution. These tests represent related prior decisions that prohibit the government from actions that demonstrate an endorsement of religion in purpose or effect. In the decision he reviewed copious evidence that it was an endorsement of Fundamentalist Christianity in both purpose and effect. He demonstrated the effect “prong” through the prevalence of religious debate over the policy. Even more shocking was the deliberate plans to replace evolution with creationism, shown in comments by key members of the School Board and the mission statement of the “Discovery Institute”, the leading proponent of I.D.
The Judge also demonstrates that I.D. is in no way science. No legitimate scientific organization endorses I.D., no peer reviewed literature advocates I.D., and every science teacher in the district refused to participate in the teaching of I.D. on ethical grounds. In fact, not only were the teachers completely ignored, but the district consulted no scientist in the matter, only legal counsel. I.D. exists upon a fallacious dichotomy in which anything as yet unexplained by the theory of evolution becomes evidence for I.D. The advocates of I.D. wish to replace methodological naturalism (the scientific method by definition and convention) with supernatural explanations without test, replication, or verification (including extraterrestrials, time traveling biologists, and astrology). This strategy to change the definition of science includes false assumptions and outright lies. They have given examples of problems they claim can never be solved, which have in the mean time been explained with true scientific research. They preach hellfire in School Board meetings, hold funds for textbooks hostage until their demands are met, harass board members with titles such as atheist, and hide the sources of their financial support.
Mormons in Utah are often willing to allow religion to enter the public domain, because we are in the majority. Remember that if we allow people like the Dover School Board to endorse religion, the beliefs portrayed will seldom be your own.

My personal hell, noplace like home..

2006-01-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

The bottom line is that I don’t belong at home anymore. I get a guilt trip when I don’t go, but once I get there, it’s a constant fight. It doesn’t help that I’m totally cut off from the world and bored when I go there. Even less that it’s always been the most disgusting pit of disorganization, complacency, and filthy surroundings.
After being away from during my mission and most of the almost two years since, I’ve realized that I have distaste for the lifestyle of my family. My mother is a compulsive buyer, although she depends on charity to get along. She’s always had a bad attitude about getting a job. The bishop advises that she work, but she complains about it, even though he’s the one taking care of her. I’m not at all surprised that she wasn’t rehired in the job she had before. I can’t imagine the hell of employing or working with her.
She jokes about the failing condition of her gas guzzling car. She has no alternative and although she keeps getting it fixed, soon she won’t be able. She didn’t repair the more gas conserving car when she had the means. When I ask about what she plans on doing upon the impending demise of her unnecessarily large van, she got mad. She yelled at me and accused that I couldn’t stand to see her in a good mood. It’s just ridiculous that she doesn’t care about anything.
I also can’t stand my brother’s lifestyle either. He isn’t really all there, but his life has been full of excuses as long as I can remember. My mother owns his life. He’ll live with her forever. He’s working on a service mission, but that’s all he does. It takes up 16 hours a week, and theoretically he could also work, but he claims that he’s unable to get a job. Really, when there is the opportunity to work, his mom won’t let him apply because she doesn’t think they’ll let him have Sundays off. She’s helped atrophy his mind, and his desire to be productive, but certainly not his gut. My mother claims that I don’t care about him; instead that I have some psychological condition over members of my family being imperfect. I care about my brother, but I can’t be expected to applaud his sloth.
I can usually just keep my moth shut about things and endure, but I can’t say one word of disagreement without things blowing up. After a few days I invariably lose my welcome. My mother has always said that the “café Ibis” is the armpit of town. Apparently because they sell coffee she thinks everyone she sees there are the scum of the earth, without having set foot inside. I have news though, my family’s house is the armpit of my life.

alone in class

2005-11-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in class. Perkins is going through all kinds of references to discipleship and consecration in the D&C. I'm thinking about other things. Theres a beautiful girl one seat up and two rows over. She fascinates me by the way she holds herself and by the way her mouth moves. I like her delicate hands and the way she laughs. She's also mysterious because of the way her soft hair obscures her face. I can't get over though, wondering what stops me from talking to her. There used to be a time when I would have no problem talking to her. What does it matter though? She means nothing to me, i dont know her, she wouldnt help me any more than the friends that don't want to talk to me. Shes gorgeous, but just like everyone else, she wouldn't let me into her private thoughts.

You weren't really fooling me

2005-11-28T01:31:00.000-07:00

Why do you toy with me? As you said, I know you better than anyone else. Yet, you still refuse to be upfront with me. I suppose I’m not worth it. I’m nothing to you.

I used to write beautifully, but there’ll be nothing beautiful about what I write here. Beauty is dead and gone, just as my dreams.

You didn’t have to pretend to want to be my friend to get my help. You should know after this long that if you ask, I’ll give you anything. When you asked if we could be friends again I asked you if you really meant it. As long as you have someone else to care for you, you’ll never care about anyone you leave behind. I knew that you really weren’t committed to being the friend you should be. When you were done with me you just said goodbye with a yell from a moving vehicle. Once again you left me with nothing. No person wants to understand me the way I needed it from you. I had gotten used to the silence. I had an uneasy sorrow that was at least definite. Now I have only nightmares. The dreams aren’t scary, the nightmare begins when I awake and remember the truth.

leftover

2005-10-21T15:34:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of being everyone's second or third choice to talk to or be around. I'm never first on anyones list. If i ask someone to do something with me, they invariably hold off to see if there is something they would rathar do or someone they would rathar be with. I can't take being disregarded anymore. On the other hand, I can't breath when im forced to be alone so often.
It's so hard to try to convince people to talk to me. When I'm depressed is when I need company the most, but noone wants to talk to me when I've been down. It makes me all the more alone. Certain people get angry when I become desperate to call, to message, to speak with anyone. I really just want someone to act like they care how I am. I want to spend private time with people, and be able to talk and have jokes and memories along with someone, or a small group. I miss that about my friends back home.

My sweet Ganges

2005-10-21T15:02:00.000-06:00

I, who ne'er went for myself a begging, go a borrowing, and that for others.
Borrowing's much the same as begging; just as lending upon usury is much the same as thieving-- decency makes not of lewdness virtue.
On the Ganges, among my ghebers, I have need of neither: Nor need I be the tool or pimp of either- upon the Ganges only there are men.
-Al Hafi, Nathan the Wise, Lessing.

am I invisible, or what?

2005-10-10T01:12:00.000-06:00

Does it happen to everyone that they see someone and call them by name at least twice, but they don't even look your way? It happens to me at least four times a day. It isn't even like they're in the distance, today the person was about four feet away. She would have had to turn their head fortyfive degrees to look me in the face. I called her name twice, and she just kept walking.
The sad part is that I'm not willing to keep trying. When someone doesn't see me, typically I just let it go. I don't want to go to the effort when they'll probably just be disappointed that it's me calling them.
Worse is the fact that I feel invisible in other situations. I've been calling several people that just seem to ignore my calls on their cell phones. Are they doing it on purpose or are they just busy for entire weeks at a time like they claim? I don't know why, but im convinced that they just don't want to return my calls.

The library sticks it to the man!!

2005-09-23T02:34:00.000-06:00

I applaud the sensible decision of the library administration. They’ve wisely decided to concentrate their attention in the most effective way possible. I’ve always been a proponent of keeping the Honor Code based on the honor system. As the system stands it should be simply the “Dress and Grooming and Curfew Rules”, or the “Miscellaneous Rules You Won’t Find At Other Universities” Instead it’s always referred to as the “honor code” to call up that nagging voice, “everyone signed it, you shouldn’t complain about keeping it”.

I understand that the university needs to protect its interests and maintain an image. It’s their prerogative to investigate inappropriate behavior. Nevertheless, I can’t agree on the prudence of transforming every employee or department of the university into hair and shorts police. It’s sad that the RA’s are reduced to being nannies for curfew time. I feel a little short-changed that mine only tucked me in on special occasions.

It worries me that the university believes that a little extra hair on a fellow will interfere with someone’s learning experience. What worries me more is the fact that they’re probably right. It saddens me that this school missed the 60’s. They had two 50’s and slid right into the 70’s. (I heard that somewhere else; if anyone knows where it’s from, tell me)

I’m pretty conservative, but I could really go for a crazy-liberal daily universe to shake things up a bit. I’d like it much more if people had to gripe about left wing propaganda than toe to the line reporting. The Daily Universe is really just a PR tool for the university, instead of what it should be, a thought provoking discussion of pertinent topics.

An extraordinarilly awkward racial moment

2005-08-03T21:00:00.000-06:00

I was just witness to one of the most racially awkward experiences ever. I overheard a conversation at an office of the university. A remarkably old woman was attending a black man! (astonished oohhs and aaahhhs) The short supply of racial diversity around here disables the general population socially. I overheard this woman say "but i want to know what country you're from". Although his back was to me I'm sure he was smiling as he said "same country you're from" At this point I listened closely, and realized that this man had no discernable accent whatsoever. I suppose the woman just thought to herself, black? in college? must be foreign. She was probably suprised he spoke english.
She then said "no, I mean originally" or something about his ancestors, and I thought to myself "sorry, not great geneological records on slave ships". When he said (almost chuckling) that he didn't know, she told him he should find that out. I said "oh no" out loud at this point and left. I think he understands that its not entirely her fault. For her it was like having some weird endangered animal, that she knows nothing about, walk up to her counter.
I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize for all the clueless people who have seen approximately 8 black people in their lives. I apologize for whenever any one has said "at least you don't get sunburned" or "my kids really like you peoples music" or "no, its fine, you can drink from this fountain too". They're learning to converse the best they can by trial and error, but we desperatley need more minority population here for everyone to practice.

Fathers Day

2005-06-26T18:51:00.000-06:00

What would a dad be like. I keep writing crap and deleting it. I don't remember enough to be able to imagine what having him here would be like. What I do remember makes me want to have lots of sons of my own someday.
My dad did everything with us. When he was trying to fix the car, he had us with him, looking under the hood. When he spread concrete, he wanted us there helping. When we went fishing he tied our knots and sat with us patiently. Sometimes I wonder how many things he taught me that I don't realize. He was always convincing me that I would be smart and go to college. He told me all the time that we didn't have much money, so I would have to work hard and get a scholarship. I'm not the genious scientist that he had hoped, but I'm trying to get what he wanted for me. He didn't get much college, and he wanted better for me.
I was wondering the other day, what would I do if I was told that I had just six months or a year to live? My dad took each one of his sons out shooting, and taught them everything he knew they might need to know about being a man. I don't have those kind of responsibilities for anyone. I would just want to say goodbye to everyone. A dear friend of mine had a quote that said something about getting all their friends together so they would never have to say goodbye. I don't suppose I could do that, but I would go everywhere to find the people who I cared about most. I'd fulfill my fantasies of bumming through Mexico. I try to always say what I think without fear that people will be offended, but I could probably do better at telling them what I felt for them without fear of being rejected.
I sometimes wonder what went through my Dad's head. What did he want to get done? What he really wanted to do was baptize his son. He wanted to see each one off into missionary service. I was the first missionary of any of my family. It was things like that he wanted to do, but couldn't get done with the time he had.

Now what?

2005-05-22T12:32:00.000-06:00

Let me fill you in on how my situation has deteriorated. Last week it seemed like we were running out of neighborhoods in harlingen to work in. My manager was saying that should probably get my own car, but i was very hesitant that i would be able to afford one by the time the summer was out, especially if work was going to stay poor. Then on Thursday he took me out to a crappy neighborhood and left me all day. He took his wife with him, and who knows where they went. We each only got one sale, me because I didn't have a good neighborhood, he was probably just wasting his day. Then Friday he left in the morning without saying a word to me. He just abandoned me. I made two crappy sales in the places that I could reach walking near the apartment. He came back in the evening and pretty much said, too bad, i want to sell alone from now on. He went without me to the good area that he was supposedly saving for later in the summer and sold seven accounts. He said he was sorry and that it wasn't personal, but it was a mistake to have me come down to Harlingen. He said that he was trying to recruit someone else so we could have our own apartment and work better.The next day he had me on a plane to Dallas.
I worked in Dallas saturday afternoon. It was quite possibly the worst day of selling ever. The market here is terrible as far as I can tell. I'm going to ask the guy in harlingen to be honest with me for once and tell me if im really going to get to work down there again anytime soon. If not im taking what i can get of my commissions and cutting my losses for the summer. I have no idea how I'll get home. I don't know where I would go. The worst is that I don't feel like anyone hears me or cares.

Cured for now. No not like ham, you silly goose.

2005-05-19T13:09:00.000-06:00

I just stretched and both my wrists popped loudly. I'm getting stale, like the cracker that I am.
Last night I talked with my friend that I haven't talked to for an unusual ammount of time. It's another person on the list of people who would rathar not talk to me. I guess people get bored of talking to ghosts, and want to busy themselves with real life, whatever that is.
I long for a companion. I would lead into a chorus of "Under the Bridge", but the streets of the random suburbs of the Valley aren't really speaking to me. They're pretty much just desert ground with asphault slapped ontop. Theres no real soul out here. I like the lizards though...

A delicious end to a troubling day

2005-05-17T12:05:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was dreadful. I sold very poorly, and it didn't help that we were rained out during half the day. I tried to distract myself talking to friends, but pretty much everyone I talked to was too busy for me. I got home though and got online. I had a great time with that. I got to talk with some truly fascinating new people. If i can keep this up, i might not need to depend on the people that keep letting me down.
Today is a new day, and I think its going to be a good one. I'm feeling refreshed and ready to do well. I love my job. This summer has so much less stress and frustration. Although its a little lonely out here, Matt is doing a good job of not putting unnecessary pressure on me. I think he's a pretty great guy.

It's beginning to look a lot like Mexico

2005-05-16T15:00:00.000-06:00

So, you know how they say it feels like Christmas? Well here in McAllen it feels like Mexico. Work’s been pretty good. I think the money is going to work out just fine. The only problem is that it’s pretty lonely out here. The people I liked to talk to have pretty much stopped calling me. Out of sight out of mind, I guess. I went to south Padre Island and had dinner with my manager and his wife. The island was pretty nifty, but I would have really welcomed some friendly faces. I’m not really getting any of those out here. I want more and more to get a car and drive off to have some fun. The great thing is that my manager is so relaxed about it.
On the other hand I’ve been enjoying the separation of it all. I’m more relaxed sometimes, although I miss the contact I used to have. I think it’s healthier, even though I feel like I’ll rot away inside once in a while. Ever once in a while I feel like I’ll collapse. I’ll just have to collapse into my solitude. It’s all about the money.

My fair weather friend

2005-04-28T15:55:00.000-06:00

There is so much confusion around me. The being isolated in the middle of rain and snow doesn't make it any better. For a moment I thought I could talk to someone who cared. In fact it’s the only person who I wanted to care. I love to listen to their problems and help my friend through them. Nothing gives me more pleasure and satisfaction than the fact that they turn to me for counsel. It would be truly comforting if they reassured me over my difficulties.
This person once told me that they felt they had spread themselves too thin. They felt that even if they were to make the effort to visit someone who they really wanted to see, no one would concern themselves for their visit. They felt like no one was eager to see them or to be with them. Ironically, their actions make me feel the same. I find myself waiting for long periods of time to tell this person my troubles and how I feel alone, with hopes that they will listen and encourage me. Instead I am met with more complaint, demands for comforting, and a disregard for my voice.
I suppose it’s obvious that they don’t care about me at all. There’s nothing I want more than to see them. In fact they insist that I make the effort to go out of my way. When I think about it though, I realize it’s just for them to have access to a plaything at their convenience. It makes me sad that I fall for this false interest every time. I don’t know if they mean to leave me in the cold this way, maybe they just don’t realize what it does to me.

The underbrush

2005-04-27T12:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a bit of adventure. Most of the day was dull as I aimlessly walked around town. I went down to D.I. to see about getting some work pants. I went to the library to see if there was any wireless internet access. I finally found access for just a bit downtown, near the tabernacle. In the afternoon I got bored so I sat in the grass across from the house in the neighborhood that I've been using for their wireless network. The owner of the house has had to wonder what I've been doing for such periods of time, just sitting with my computer in such a random place. Today as he was taking out the trash he came and asked me what I was doing. I casually replied that was just talking to some friends and writing. He just responded "oh", seemingly content with the answer. Soon after he returned to the house I felt I should get going, so I packed up and left before he had a chance to look back outside.
Later in the evening the urge hit me to see the people that I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to. I decided that after the afternoon's occurrence, it wouldn't be best to be found skulking behind his house. In addition, there were some heavy earthmoving vehicles back by the river, apparently working to combat the erosion that was eating away at the property. I decided to try my luck at the strength of the network from across the river. I was chuckling at the prospect of my venture, and mentioned my plan to my mother. She was convinced that I would either fall in the river and die, or the police would be called to investigate a suspicious character trespassing in the dark.
I left anyway, and made my way to the other side of the river, along which bank I would trace a path to the range of the wireless network that would satisfy my craving for connection. It was a difficult trip. I was getting close when I hit a bit of flooded area and dense thicket. With a deep sense of defeat and disappointment I decided to go back, especially because I remembered that I was getting close to the coyote farm whose caretaker is very alert to trespassers. I suppose I went a slightly different way on my way back. I found myself faced with a steep slope covered with fallen trees and debris. I think I must have found the most difficult way up that slope through the densest brambles. I wanted to edge my way along the river near the top of this incline, for fear of being seen in the open. As I got close to the summit I saw a figure standing and watching me. I froze, and the silhouette against the sky stood perfectly still. As I peered at it intently, I realized that its ears were far too large to be human. I thought for a moment that it could be a dog. I moved and it didn't react. I shined a bit of my light toward it, still unable to see twenty feet in front of me through all the branches. It flinched, but remained stationary. I moved along the slope, and through the branches and it tottered after me, until it found another vantage point on the precipice. I sighed in relief. I could tell by the way it moved that it was just a calf. I looked down, and made my way back to the bank of the river. I made it home without incident, although I was a little more watchful of dogs.
After getting home, my craving having not been satisfied, I thought I would go mad. I decided to give the afternoon’s spot a shot again. I rode my bicycle into the night. I arrived in front of the three story house, completely devoid of lights. I pushed the button, and ignited the lights in my little machine. I logged on and joy of joys, there were people. Little dots glowed bright colors, each signifying a real human mind that would respond to my own. One in particular was exciting to see. A little yellow dot that gave me hopes of relief from my isolation. I typed to my dot, and it spoke to me, but very soon it said it was going away. As I watched, it abruptly disappeared. If i had only come earlier, I thought, instead of gallivanting through the trees. How foolish I felt as I peddled home to bed.

escape

2005-04-25T21:23:00.000-06:00

I sit and wonder sometimes what it would take for me to get away. Just as I work out ways to steal money whenever I work around it, I am constantly planning a getaway. My getaway plan isn't necessarily tied to escaping police. I just wonder how far away from my drab life I can get with the resources I have at hand. I've decided that i can get from my house to the city bus, from there to greyhound, from there to brigham city, from there to SLC or Provo. If I want to go further still I'll have to know the rail lines. I can imagine myself walking into a train yard, covered by darkness. Its so delicious to walk without being seen. I would already know which ones go toward Nogales. As I stalk quietly I'll find a car that is open to the air. After waiting a safe distance away, the car begins to lurch forward. After a last glance down the line and into the darkness I bolt to the side of the crawling car. Heaving my bag onto the metal and following it nimbly I'll hunker down and laugh uncontrollably. From Nogales It'll be a straight and easy shot to paradise, where the temperature doesn't change when the sun goes down.

Looking in from the rain.

2005-04-25T14:29:00.000-06:00

I am surrounded and engulfed by stagnant deterioration. Waste litters my view everywhere I turn. In "2001: A Space Odyssey" the man comes across an older version of himself. He watches various scenes of the solitary old man lying in bed, eating, and sitting at a desk. Everything moves slowly, and without a purpose. Sleep has never been so odious to me. As I watch my family sit and interact with noone else, I sleep all afternoon. I watch them slip in and out of sleep, truly they are never awake. I walk down the street and see lights in comfortable houses. Inside there are people who are also constantly asleep. Perhaps they can go all day without seeing anyone from the outside. I can't live this way for fear that I will become the same. I remember now why I'm fleeing. There is nothing for me here. The wonderous and beautiful have found their own happiness and contentment. More are being married and soon they will be the ones decaying in a dimly lit living room. I stand out in the rain and wonder if its wonderful to sit in comfort or something to be dreaded. I've decided that if i had to sit inside with a dull, yellow incandecent lighti would rathar run out into the rain. If I was completed by love though, I would sit there forever in an eternal rest.

In a field... with my laptop.

2005-04-23T23:50:00.000-06:00

This is how desperate for connection that I am. I can hear a highway in the far distance, but the river is much closer. The sky is misty, and the moon is shrouded. I can see the porch lights of several houses, but more important to me is the light of their wireless network icons on my screen. Home is exactly what I expected it to be. It hasen't changed at all, and fundamentally, I haven't either. things with my friends have certainly changed. Going to Houston is probably the best idea. I can't be locked away waiting for the off chance that I'll be called up to do something with my friends. Even if I had a car, they would all be in school and busy with their own lives.
I hate being un-connected. Its another form of being alone or left behind. The house is always the same. My family watches the same tapes again and again. Sometimes its the Lord of the Rings, sometimes its Hercule Poirot. My family is living reruns. I dont know how I'll survive here for the week, let alone how I would the whole summer.

left outside

2005-04-23T14:00:00.000-06:00

Every person that I want to be around has run away. I have no home for the entire afternoon. Everything I claim as my own is strewn out on the patio of a locked building. I'm resolved to fit everything into a duffel bag from now on. My duffel bag was my fathers. His name is written in large, fine letters on the side. When i carry that bag I carry with me a heritage of expectations. I carry everything that I don't know about my father with me.
Being alone is like being chained to the bottom of a swimming pool. For a long time ive been struggling frantically with the shackle digging into the flesh of my ankle. I've punched wildly toward the surface as it sometimes grows closer, but more often receeds from view as my chain is shortened. Have I not noticed people coming to breath air into my spasming lungs? I haven't looked around myself, only up to the rippling light.
Only now that the surface has disappeared from view do i see that there are happy people swimming all around me. They arent chained to anything, and they look at me quizzically. For just a moment I have seen smiling faces, carefree flowing hair, and eyes that becon me away from my thrashing toward the surface. Can I breath underwater?
I refuse to believe it. The faces have left now, and the surface is nowhere to be seen. I'm lugging my anchor through caves, hoping that they'll open into the sun.

Can philosophy class tell me what it is to be dead?

2005-04-23T03:25:00.000-06:00

School is really done now. I hadn't wanted to realize that it was ending. I read someone wise beyond their years talking about how they are dying now. Everyday we're dying. I like to laugh when strong sad says" every day we die a little more, but its true. In addition to the rotting flesh hung on bones that continually wants to return to the mother earth, my mind dies every day. I sleep every night to the music of a funeral in my head. Dying has been to live, hope, and forget my hopes as they pass.
My hopes seem to pass more easily every time. Soon i cant remember them. I was thinking about a totem pole that was near my house when I was very small. I recall being very upset, perhaps crying when I saw that they had taken it down. Everyday I hoped to see the same thing. It was upsetting when the scenery changed. Now I can't remember any part of the story that the totem pole portrayed. My father is the same. Not far from that spot in my childhood there are images that i can still see. My memories are similar with him, in that all i see are flashes without chronology, detail, or context. I see him reclined in a chair, obiously in pain. I see him walking and picking apricots when he let me follow him. I see him walking in the door after work. I see him amazing his sons playing "duck hunt" in the play room. Memories are dead, and if my reality is made up of memories then I am dead. Hopes are vain, and if I hope, then i am empty.
My political science class was adressing the topic of language and defining oneself. Appearantly the process involves our memory and how we project it in future hopes to define the present. If this is true then the present is a combination of death and vanity. The truth is that I have been living my life in the past. I've relived whats happened with me and those that i cared for over and over again. people say to move on, and they offer suggestions, but they don't understand that I preferr death to vanity. It feels as if I look forward then the past will become the same meaninless void. If my past is void of significance or meaning then what can my future be? Will i have a future, though, if I continue to treasure the past as i do?